Alright, Let's Get it Over With

 

How does it feel?  How are you doing?

 

Look, I fell a couple of feet in the air onto my side and felt shit twist in my knee that no one should ever feel twist.  I am perfect, thanks for asking.  Want to run a marathon with me tomorrow?  THAT is how my inner sarcastic, ginger bitch wants to answer people.

 

That being said, I could definitely be worse.  My knee brace has given me a lot of confidence and I’m walking a lot faster and not using my crutches much at all.  With the knee brace off, I walk much slower and more thoughtfully because they are feels I don’t want to feel again!

 

Did it hurt?  Did you cry?

 

I mean, shit twisted around and then there was a snap.  I thought my kneecap was on the side of my leg for a brief second until said snap seemed to jerk it back into place…I’m a warrior queen who thinks she’s invincible, and didn’t think she was actually hurt, so I composed myself and stood up.  Also, gingers don’t cry.

 

But all in honesty

It's uh, better than a kick in the face with a golf shoe.

This random quote from 90’s icon Pauly Shore’s movie, Son-In-Law, has long been my go-to quote for pain analysis since I was young.  Yesterday when my mom asked how my knee felt, I responded with this quote.  She didn’t bite; I was very disappointed.  This morning when I finally connected with my sister, I delivered this line and got the exact reaction I was looking for:

“Crawl, I’m mingling.”

I didn’t cry, shout out, or cuss during the crash.  I did a quick assessment (as noted in Day 1), picked myself up off the mat, and walked out to my car thinking I just needed a couple of days of rest. I’m very aware that none of this is the normal way people deal with this type of injury, so maybe gingers are some kind of inhuman being.  Maybe being without a soul allows me to experience pain in a way that greatly differs from how normal people feel.  Who am I to say that me, a ginger, is actually a normal human being?

What did they give you for the pain?

Naproxen, the big 800mg ibuprofen.  I spent a good five minutes thinking I was going to be fine before the reality of my injury settled in.  Those five minutes were spent stretching, standing, and walking.  Do you honestly think I need something stronger for the pain?  Also, I know opioids change your brain chemistry, and that terrifies me.  Not only that, but I’m proud to say I am drug free and always have been.

That’s not to say that there aren’t opioids out there that might actually help some people, but they aren’t for me.  I had an elective, same-day surgery in 2017 and was given a prescription for hydrocodone.  I took them the day of the surgery, and that’s it.  Shit felt weird that day.  I felt like I had just been peeled off of the bumper of a car, so I took them.  Then I couldn’t take a proper deuce for five whole days.  It was miserable feeling all that crap inside of me, but unable to get a decent bowel movement out of my system.  I will take the pain any ‘ole day provided I can poo on the reg.

What does your knee look like?

In short?  A bloated piece of pasta.  There’s a ton of swelling starting at the lower quad, going all the way through the knee and upper portion of my lower leg.  Still, if you compare the lower leg or my left side to the right side, there’s noticeable swelling for my entire lower leg and ankle as well.  If you really want to see it, you can click this link.  Please note I realize that not everyone is morbid or into gross anatomy things like my family is, so I am not including the pic in this post.

How are you getting around?

The day after was slow moving even with the crutches.  I’m a fast walker because of my mom – she’s much taller than adult-sized Erin with normal length legs whereas I have stubs.  Growing up, she never considered that her stride was twice that of her children and demanded we keep up with her.  Her exact phrasing was, “I don’t like walking up here by myself, girls.”  Turtles were faster than me that first day.  It was torture.  Chris found it amusing and had fun walking ahead of me before turning back to me and saying, “After you.”  Normally, he’s grabbing my arm and pulling me back, telling me I’m walking too fast.

Since that first day, I’ve gained more and more mobility.  I used my crutches a lot on Saturday and Sunday.  I used my crutches on the long walk from the parking lot into work on Monday, but mainly gimped it around while inside my office.  Every day, my leg is getting straighter, my limp a little less pronounced, and my range of motion is growing – especially considering I’ve been doing squats and toe-raises to engage my quads.  I was told by a PT friend who also prescribed the exercises that keeping my quads engaged will help aid me when it’s time for recovery.  Want to see more of what she does?  Visit her website.  I highly recommend her if you live in my area.

What happened to your mobility/range of motion?

While I was able to straighten my leg and bend it to my chest immediately after, I woke up Saturday and found my leg kind of crooked.  I could move it somewhat forward and backwards, but I received a lot of feedback from my body in doing so.  Sunday evening, I soaked in an Epsom salt bath, and when I got out, I found my leg was able to straighten a little bit more.  I feel like I’m making more progress and getting my leg a little straighter with every passing day.

The fact that it didn't bend much also made going to bathroom a bit of a challenge.  I would have to stick my foot out and leverage my weight onto my arms and then gently lower myself down onto the toilet.  Now I can slowly lower myself down to a squat, bending my knee a bit past 90 degrees now.

I’m still a big fan of moving with my brace on, but last night, I used the compression sleeve in my house.  I wasn’t taking many steps, but I wanted to see how everything was healing and responding with the physical and mental security the brace provides me.

What happens next?

Wouldn’t I like to know!  I just got my MRI and should get the results back two days later when I follow-up with my doctor.  It’s possible I could have strained the ligaments which will require rest and PT or it’s possible something is torn which will require surgery and then PT.  I honestly I am expecting to hear “surgery” because I know how I fell, I know what I felt when it happened, and I feel how unstable my knee is right now.  I also like to prepare for worst-case scenario in order to avoid disappointment.  Either way I will keep you all posted!

Let me close

By saying that I’m doing well.  There’s still a lot of feelings of embarrassment and disappointment in myself for letting this happen, but I’m going to be dealing with those feelings for a long, long, long time.  Twenty years later, I’m sure I’ll still be chastising myself for this decision that led to this happening.  But my sense of humor is strong, and my resilience seems to be even stronger. 

I’ve always known I bounce back from setbacks fairly quickly, and I try not to let things affect me too much.  One of the things I’ve always told myself is that negative feelings and getting bogged down in the “what if’s” of the world is letting something control you and hold you back from your real capabilities.  We need to learn from the past and move forward without getting caught up in all the negative emotions.

Long story short, don’t worry about me!  I have a great support system in place.  They gave me all the tools I need to survive and thrive.  I’m not exactly “thriving” at the moment, but I will get back there again – slowly but surely.  And I know that support system will be there for anything I may need to help me face this current challenge head-on!